If the Plastic Surgery Fairy lit on my hips and promised me three wishes I’d have to think hard. I’m down with the bags under my eyes, the lines and wrinkles, even my middle aged bod. After consideration…First wish: give me back all my original teeth. Second wish, because trousers are cut longer now, would be to ask for two more inches, so I’d be 5’9″. The third is rolling- off- my- yoga- mat easy: bigger earlobes.
I have tiny earlobes, which for the normally earlobe endowed woman would be buried at the bottom of the Plastic Surgery Fairy’s glittering bag of nip and tuck — right next to a wider waist. But you see, Ladies, while you show up for your thigh lifts you can show up wearing chandelier earrings. (I hate you!) You can buy cunning and cheap earrings at the mall, or lay out big bucks at Bulgari. Earrings are the one indispensable piece of jewelry, because they light up the face, dingle and dangle, swing and sway as you lean over to show off your decolletage.
That’s assuming your earlobes are large enough so that you can pierce your ears. Mine aren’t. I’ve tried it twice with the same disastrous dreary results. An earring bigger or heavier than the tiny gold buds the baby girls of my Hispanic neighbours wear can slit my earlobe. That leaves me one choice: clip earrings.
Clips. That’s invoking WASPy suburbanite. (Hmmm.) In fact, the Talbot’s is the only mainstream mall store that ever stocks a decent selection of clips. But then a resale shop moved into my ‘hood…
I’d love to know the women who bought these earrings before they moved to Assisted Living, or more likely, that Great Cocktail Party in the sky. They’re, to put it politely, flamboyant. The aesthetes among us would deem them downright hideous.I find them cheerful, and I didn’t spend more than a quarter for any but the pair from Talbot’s. (7.50 on clearance.) As I’ve, um, matured, I wear what I damn well please and I flaunt my earwear defiantly.
After I’d taken the pictures I realized I should have laid down a ruler so that you’d have an idea of the scale. Instead, I’ll post the dimensions
“Baroque” golden “pearl” clips from Talbot’s: (3/4 of an inch.)
I channel my inner Liz Taylor(1966 edition) in these “gold” lovelies. (1 1/2 inches.) Dang, I wish I had a leopard print caftan and some black liquid eyeliner! What the picture doesn’t capture is that every swirl is separate and jingles.
I love these — dangly fountains of “pearls.”(2 1/2 inches)
Some bijoux from my mother-in-law’s estate. (I just remembered them, which explains the ruler.)
Words and (my) photos cannot adequately describe the beauties of these babies. White plastic, blue rhinestones and those crazy loops of filament that look as if they’re made from fishing line,
These are so over-the-top fabulous that I can’t believe some mugger hasn’t ripped them from my ears. (You may disagree.)I’ve got one word for you: plastic. They’re 2 inches in diameter and look bigger.
I don’t want to leave you thinking that I don’t have any tasteful real jewelry — I do. Just not earrings!