Easy on the Ears

If the Plastic Surgery Fairy lit on my hips and promised me three wishes I’d have to think hard. I’m down with the bags under my eyes, the lines and wrinkles, even my middle aged bod. After consideration…First wish: give me back all my original teeth. Second wish, because trousers are cut longer now, would be to ask for two more inches, so I’d be 5’9″. The third is rolling- off- my- yoga- mat easy: bigger earlobes.

I have tiny earlobes, which for the normally earlobe endowed woman would be buried at the bottom of the Plastic Surgery Fairy’s glittering bag of nip and tuck — right next to a wider waist. But you see, Ladies, while you show up for your thigh lifts you can show up wearing chandelier earrings. (I hate you!) You can buy cunning and cheap earrings at the mall, or lay out big bucks at Bulgari. Earrings are the one indispensable piece of jewelry, because they light up the face, dingle and dangle, swing and sway as you lean over to show off your decolletage.

That’s assuming your earlobes are large enough so that you can pierce your ears. Mine aren’t. I’ve tried it twice with the same disastrous dreary results. An earring bigger or heavier than the tiny gold buds the baby girls of my Hispanic neighbours wear can slit my earlobe. That leaves me one choice: clip earrings.

Clips. That’s invoking WASPy suburbanite. (Hmmm.) In fact, the Talbot’s is the only mainstream mall store that ever stocks a decent selection of clips. But then a resale shop moved into my ‘hood…

I’d love to know the women who bought these earrings before they moved to Assisted Living, or more likely, that Great Cocktail Party in the sky. They’re, to put it politely, flamboyant. The aesthetes among us would deem them downright hideous.I find them cheerful, and I didn’t spend more than a quarter for any but the pair from Talbot’s. (7.50 on clearance.) As I’ve, um, matured, I wear what I damn well please and I flaunt  my earwear defiantly.

After I’d taken the pictures I realized I should have laid down a ruler so that you’d have an idea of the scale. Instead, I’ll post the dimensions

“Baroque” golden “pearl” clips from Talbot’s: (3/4 of an inch.)

I channel my inner Liz Taylor(1966 edition) in these “gold” lovelies. (1 1/2 inches.) Dang, I wish I had a leopard print caftan and some black liquid eyeliner! What the picture doesn’t capture is that every swirl is separate and jingles.

I love these — dangly fountains of “pearls.”(2 1/2 inches)

Some bijoux from my mother-in-law’s estate. (I just remembered them, which explains the ruler.)

Words and (my) photos cannot adequately describe the beauties of these babies. White plastic, blue rhinestones and those crazy loops of filament that look as if they’re made from fishing line,

These are so over-the-top fabulous that I can’t believe some mugger hasn’t ripped them from my ears.  (You may disagree.)I’ve got one word for you: plastic. They’re 2 inches in diameter and look bigger.

I don’t want to leave you thinking that I don’t have any tasteful real jewelry — I do. Just not earrings!



Filed under Collections, Less than 50 cents

7 responses to “Easy on the Ears

  1. Wish I did jewelry—I’d be runnin’ you a race for those last pink ones. Mainly because if they’re pink plastic, I had a pair of those when I was a lissome teen.

    They were exactly like those ON the lobe, but then a great sweep of them went up and AROUND the shell of the ear, like some space-version of the aforesaid Cleopatra’s choice. They very much resembled (though I could not know it at the time) a Barbie-pink version of the snazzy phones sported by gentlemen of the bidness persuasion.

    What a hoot I must have been in those flowered earmuffs!! Come to think of it, I think I had a matching swimcap, as well.

    Just shoot me now.

  2. Peter G

    I’ve got roomy undecorated earlobes whereas my lovely wife Sandra has the kind that just quietly attach to the neck. I believe my unattached lobes are an expression of a dominant gene like you get with facial dimples or a widow’s peak. Interestingly (to me, at any rate) the son got my ears and hairline, but his twin sister got the elegant minimalist lobes.

    I’ve made some folky jewelry for the ladies in my life yet never an earring. I’ve always been intimidated by the need for hypoallergenic gold posts. Clips may be the answer.

  3. I’ll hold my fire, Babe. Oh for those beflowered ruffled swimcaps of old. I thought they were hideous back in my form-follows-function snotty youth. Now I’d commit assault for one — I might even take up swimming.

  4. Peter: Clips ARE the answer!

  5. freakyfrites

    I like the idea of big, fun, close to the lobe earrings but clips ons give me that “my plastic headband’s on too tight!” feeling. So I’m jealous of you and your hearty, petite lobes! Guess I’ll have to stick with my studs.

  6. Kim

    Are earrings 1, 2, 3 & 5 really PINK, or is it the lighting???!!! Because, as we say in my family, “all your pink are belong to me”. I adore earrings (they always FIT, no matter what size the rest of me decides to be) and I adore PINK, so I would have been all over those, my dear!

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